


i've punched the mirror, i've kissed it

by autoeuphoric (FreezingRayne)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble Collection, Multi, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 08:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12649812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreezingRayne/pseuds/autoeuphoric
Summary: A collection of drabbles and requests from my tumblr. Some are shippy, some are just strilondes memeing at each other.





	1. human romance sure is weird

**Author's Note:**

> The dreaded drabble collection. This is mostly just for my own convenience, so I don't have to constantly dig through my blog when I want to reread something I've written.

Karkat, Dave, and John. sfw. 

\--

Karkat: WOW EARTH MOVIES SURE ARE OBSESSED WITH PALE ROMANCE BETWEEN MALES 

John: um. what? 

Karkat: ALL THESE MOVIES ABOUT THRESHCUTIONERS TEAMING UP AND THEN TURNING DEEPLY PALE FOR EACH OTHER 

John: …i have no idea what you’re talking about as usual! 

Dave: dude stop being obtuse obviously he means buddy cop movies. 

John: oh!  
John: those aren’t romance, though. they’re just one hundred percent platonic bromance!   
John: i can see how that might be confusing from an alien perspective though 

Karkat: ‘BROMANCE’. IS THIS SOME BULLSHIT HUMAN SLANG STRIDER HASN’T TAUGHT ME YET? IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME IDIOTIC PORTMANTEAU HIS LUSUS MIGHT MAKE UP. 

John: well i’m not actually sure about that   
John: since dirk is actually gay   
John: but bromance is like what dave and i have! just like two dude friends bro-ing it up with absolutely no homoerotic overtones 

Dave: dude im frankly fucking insulted   
Dave: were at least like twenty   
Dave: maybe twenty five percent homoerotic 

Karkat: PLEASE. THE EIGHT OF YOU HUMANS ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING PILE OF PALE CLUSTERFUCK I’VE EVER SEEN. YOU’RE A PALE GANGBANG. 

John: ew karkat!   
John: that’s just friendship! 

Dave: just give up dude dont even worry about it   
Dave: just wait til he gets started on blackrom in earth movies 

Karkat: THERE IS SO MUCH BLACKROM BETWEEN MALES, DAVE. WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS. AND FEMALES.   
Karkat: BUT NOBODY EVER KISSES. IT’S A FUCKING LETDOWN. 

John: i think…those are just villains and heroes? 

Karkat: RIGHT, BUT WHY DON’T THEY EVER KISS? 


	2. aww hell no

Mituna/Latula, sfw. 

\--

You find him squatting in the dirt, hair a hot mess, prodding at a slime-bug and muttering to himself about bad touches.

“Aww, hell no,” you say, “Was that poser bothering you again? I’ma fuck him up, ‘Tuna. Better not watch ‘cause this ownage is gonna be some explicit shit.” Where was the last place you saw that purple prick? Too bad you’ve got a disability; otherwise you could just follow the smell of hair product and desperation.

Before you can take off, Mituna grabs the back of your dress. “Hey, ‘Tula,” he mumbles. He digs his nubs into his forehead, like he can force his thoughts in line. “Can we just…go be quiet. For a little.”

Your pusher melts. Guy can be an asshole and honestly kind of a perv, but today he’s trying. You toss your four-wheel device back into your sylladex and put an arm around him. He’s already purring. “Yeah, for sure! Let’s go find something pretty to look at.”


	3. the CLASSIC shit

Roxy and Dave, sfw. 

\--

TG: i can’t BELIEVE you havent played pokemon   
TG: that is  
TG: the CLASSIC shit 

TG: i already told you i never played any of the nintendos  
TG: i never played anything that wasnt on my bros janky xbox  
TG: he only had shitty games and the damn thing only worked half the time  
TG: i honestly dont even know where it came from it was busted all to hell

TG: maybe……  
TG: he found it  
TG: fuckin scavanged it

TG: yeah that occurred to me as a possibility  
TG: like can you just find xboxes by the side of the road like they’re a jizz stained couch or a toilet full of cake

TG: omg what

TG: long story it involves rose and her deep freudian need to rearrange peoples bathrooms  
TG: ask john about it

TG: lolol okay i will  
TG: but back to srs business  
TG: we are gonna have SUCH a nintendo marathon  
TG: gonna game you up  
TG: just as soon as we can figure out how to make a system that works  
TG: me and callie have been doing some straight-up mad science with the alchemizer  
TG: made stuff that wasn’t even pumpkins or meowcats or anything  
TG: i should def have brought my games with me  
TG: what kind of noob doesnt have at least six game systems at all times

TG: seriously fifteen teenagers and not a single one of us thought to captchalogue a video game  
TG: that is stone cold embarrassing  
TG: though i guess we were technically in a video game so it would have been like one of those creepy russian dolls full of other dolls except in this instance nintendos  
TG: every so often on the meteor wed get a bubble with a game system or whatever but dream bubble media is all kinds of fucked up

TG: like how??

TG: like i dont even know where to start  
TG: wild genre-straddling shit  
TG: if alice and wonderland got freaky with star wars and had a demon child  
TG: i thought most of them were hilarious but they wigged karkat out somethin fierce  
TG: dude kind of hates scifi which i get considering his entire life  
TG: anyway  
TG: now that i have successfully dominated the conversation by babbling about some inane shit you probably dont care about  
TG: i have to go

TG: awwww  
TG: well  
TG: i’ll keep working on the games and then we’ll snackle the tacks  
TG: **tackle the snacks  
TG: im not drinking that was a legit typo

TG: i believe you

TG: and dave??  
TG: you can babble at me any time you want  
TG: i am a babble babe it’s what i am  
TG: i accept all babbles

TG: cool


	4. displays of fatherly affection

Kanaya and Rose, sfw 

\--

GA: Are You Seeing What I Am Seeing? 

TT: You mean the perfect picture of domestic bliss unfolding on the lawn? Of course.  
TT: I may have in fact wandered from room to room, window to window, sighing and putting a hand to my maidenly heart.  
TT: Metaphorically, of course.  
TT: In fact I have stayed in my office because this book is not going to write its fucking self, unfortunately.  
TT: Is she still wearing Dave’s shades? 

GA: Yes. She Looks Like An Oversized Buzzbug With Skinned Knees.  
GA: Karkat Has Made Her A Flower Crown And The Wind Keeps Tangling It In Her Horns. 

TT: Uggghh. 

GA: She Spilled Juice All Over Herself And Now She Is Giggle-Sneezing 

TT: Disgusting. 

GA: Absolutely. 

TT: Who would have thought Dave Strider and Karkat Vantas would be the first of our generation to engage in obscene displays of public fatherly affection? 

GA: I Suspect Anyone Who Knows Them Well. 


	5. some goddamn chivalry

Roxy/John, sfw 

\--

John is fucking cute in the morning.

Crazy hair and muzzy smile, glass-bright eyes straight out of the animes, shoulders like a goddamn load-bearing wall. Okay, well he has those other times than the morning, but they’re always worth mentioning. You’re sitting at the kitchen table with your chin propped on your fist, and you’re oggling. You’re having a goddamn see party up in here. You snap a languid pic.

“Hey!” John rabbits at the shutter sound, turning from the counter. “I don’t think that’s my good side!”

“This is def your good side.” You angle the camera down toward his butt, which he’s been shaking in time to the whisk against the mixing bowl. “No fear, this is purely for my personal and very virtuous use.”

John’s laugh is swallowed by the hiss of batter hitting hot iron.

“Besides,” you say. “This shit is totes auspicious. Gotta get the documentation.”

“Hmm?”

“You calling a ceasefire in your war against baking long enough to cook breakfast for your gf.” Up until now you’ve been supervising from a safe distance, but now that he’s got the batter in the wafflizer the coast looks clear to drape yourself obnoxiously across his shoulders. “That’s some goddamn chivalry.”

He wrinkles up his nose. Fucking cute. Cute and here to visit you. There is another body in your house and it’s a human and he _likes_ you. Call you the neediest bitch in the new universe (and honestly you’ve earned some neediness) but that is just fuckin awesome.

“Come on, waffles aren’t baking.”

You snort.

“There isn’t even an oven involved. I know these things, Roxy.”


	6. don't go makin it a meme

Rose and Dirk, sfw mostly but they're talking about porn. 

\--

TT: I’m waiting.

TT: We aren’t exactly workin with the highest of tech here, Lalonde. Hold your horses.

TT: Am I to infer that horses will be involved?

TT: Not this time. Here.

TT: Interesting.

TT: Interesting as in ‘i want to do science to it’ or as in ‘give me all the shit you got and do not hold the grub sauce’.

TT: Interesting that breathplay comes up. Considering your penchant for navigating stressful situation through decapitation.

TT: I wouldn’t say I have a penchant. It’s weird it happened twice, but to go ahead and assign it as a kink or personality trait seems premature. No need to go makin it a meme.

TT: I suppose that’s fair. My turn.

TT: Lingerie? Really? Fuckin pedestrian.

TT: I am a woman of simple tastes.

TG: okay thats enough im callin it  
TG: this game of porno chicken is over both of you win  
TG: there is a uncomfortably incestuous line and you crossed it  
TG: goddamn crucified it  
TG: if i had a safe word id be sayin it if i had a little bell id drop it  
red the light is red this stops now

TT: No offense bro, but no one is making you stay in the thread. Just turn off your notifications.

TG: dude that isnt the fuckin point  
TG: the point is youre filling up our fun times memo with tentacle monsters and xeno porn  
TG: unironically

TT: Dave. Please take a moment and listen to yourself.  
TT: Let he without the alien boyfriend cast the first stone. 

TG: okay fuck you that is literally not the same thing


	7. Romantic Arcs

Kanaya and Karkat, sfw but they're talking about sex. 

\--

CG: AND THE BLUBBERFISH NOISES, KANAYA. I CAN’T DEAL WITH THOSE. THE FIRST TIME I THOUGHT I BROKE HIM. 

GA: I Had Similar Concerns With Rose, But She Assures Me It Is Perfectly Natural For Humans. 

CG: IT’S HONESTLY SUCH A FUCKING RELIEF THAT WE’RE IN THE SAME FLOATATION VEHICLE WITH THIS. I KNOW YOU’VE GOT OTHER SHIT TO DO THAN LISTEN TO MY QUADRANT PROBLEMS. 

GA: You Have Done More Than Your Fair Share Of Fielding The Rest Of Our Romantic Arcs. I Am Happy To Listen.  
GA: I Only Have My Own Experiences To Draw From, However. Interspecies Relationships Are Not A Well-Researched Field of Study. 

CG: OKAY BUT HUMANS HAVE HAIR. EVERYWHERE. AND LITTLE HOLES IN THEIR STOMACHS.   
CG: AND THEY DON’T HAVE NOOKS! WHAT FREAKSHOW OF EVOLUTION DREAMT THAT UP? IT’S LIKE NATURE ROLLED AN ARBITRARY HANDFUL OF BULLSHIT DICE AND JUST WENT FOR IT. 

GA: Wait. What Do You Mean? 

CG: UH CG: I KNOW JADEBLOODS ARE EXEMPT FROM DRONE SEASON, BUT YOU’VE BEEN SCHOOLFED, RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT A– 

GA: Yes, Karkat. I Am Aware Of What A Nook Is.  
GA: Thank You For Your Concern In Regards To My Education. 

CG: SO YOU MEAN ROSE 

GA: Is Perfectly Equipped In The Nook Department, Yes.  
GA: She Tells Me That Many Humans Are. 

CG: HOLY SHIT. 


	8. Chapter 8

podcast AU, dave and rose, sfw

TT: Good evening, I’m Rose Lalonde and you’re listening to “jackass who spilled apple juice all over my sister’s sound equipment and then claimed it was an earthquake”. 

TG: listen i said it might have been an earthquake  
TG: we just dont know  
TG: nobody knows that shit is in gods hands  


TT: Just introduce yourself, Dave.  


TG: hell you did it for me  


TT: I’ll edit it out in post.  


TG: sup this is Dave Strider and youre listening to this podcast i guess maybe by accident or something we dont know  


TT: It’s in God’s hands  


TG: right exactly  
TG: and now people are gonna think were some creepy rapture cult that talks about god hands and shit  


TT: Yes, all four of our listeners will be incredibly alarmed.  


TG: yea sorry yall  
TG: anyway lets get to some listener questions that may have come from actual listeners but also might have come from roxy  
TG: we just dont know  


TT: Now let it die, Dave. Rule of three.  


TG: right right okay


End file.
